Seven Years Gone

Seven years. Long time. But not. It’s been seven years since my dad died. I won’t run through the details. But they are here if you’re interested or curious.

I look back over the year and see all that he missed. The big things. Graduating college and IVF. The little things. Like over 365 cups of coffee not shared. Continue reading “Seven Years Gone”

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too little time with a little bit of hope

Meandering around. Doing chores. Listening to Pandora. The Dead Sea by The Lumineers comes on.

Yes, there are times we live for somebody else
Your father died and you decided to live
It for yourself you felt, you just felt it was time
And I’m glad, cause you with cats, that’s just not right

I go from singing to crying. Just like that. Grief. It’s such a ride.

Early this morning I stood in front of the sink drinking my coffee. Looking at my dad’s jar on the window sill. It’s a beautiful old mason jar. Blue glass. His favorite. Inside are some of his ashes. I put him on the sill when we moved here two and a half years ago. It’s the best view. You can see the tress. He loved trees. Continue reading “too little time with a little bit of hope”

we all need a break

I’m well. I’m better. I have not been inclined to write. For whatever reason. I have yet to analyze that. I’m sure I will later. Don’t you worry about that.

Strangest thing though. I was ready to call The Doc. The gloominess was lasting way longer than I was comfortable with. I gave myself a hall pass to cry ugly tears whenever I felt the need. I spoke about my sadness. Admitted it. Easily. But still. It was lingering. I was dragging ass. Not wanting to take on the day. Sleeping a lot. You know, the usual.

Continue reading “we all need a break”

She who eats alone is a badass.

I took myself to breakfast. I happened upon the idea while in the shower this morning. There is this great little local eatery around the corner. I love their sausage gravy. It has heat, the kind that makes you feel alive. Like you are truly eating. I filet the warm biscuits, carefully place my scrambled egg upon it, and smother it with sausage gravy. It’s delicious. Apparently I was hungry.

Continue reading “She who eats alone is a badass.”

you can redirect your thoughts

“Stop whatcha doin’, cause I’m about to ruin the image and the style that ya used to...”

Just kidding. But seriously, every time I think “stop whatcha doin” I seem to channel Digital Underground. Matter of fact, there are an unreasonable amount of words that trigger my brain to trail off into a lyrical departure from reality. I like that part of me.

You know what else I like? My ability to redirect. Not redirect in the way we do to avoid tough conversations, or guilt, or grief. But the redirect that gets your mind back into the moment. Step it away from the cliff overlooking that deep dark vast landscape that is our past. I am mostly successful. But only because of practice.

Continue reading “you can redirect your thoughts”

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