underneath a killer wardrobe

I noticed the other day, at 5:37pm., that the sun was working its way into the horizon.

My eyes felt full. Overwhelmed.

Today the day is longer. Even though it’s still winter with snow still in the forecast and the chilly air still surrounds me THE DAYS ARE GETTING LONGER.

For as long as I can remember… I’ve never made it through a winter without a bout of depression. Leaving for work and arriving home in the darkness makes the burden of life… THAT. MUCH. HEAVIER. The pressure of time seems heavy. Making decisions seems heavy.

Being an adult seems heavy.

All of it.


As the days got shorter at the end of last year I felt anxiety building. I feared a bout of depression and I feared I wouldn’t make it through. The last one was rough and I was still raw from the wounds.

This year, unlike years past, I talked about my fears with my husband. Talking about fear such as this is new for me. I’m a “suffer in silence kind of person”.


I was that person. I am not her anymore.

Admitting fear is not a weakness. I know this now. I didn’t always. I used to think that my depression and anxiety were a weakness and I hid it.

As best I could.

I hid it under self-deprecating humor, laughter, smiles, achievement, a killer wardrobe….I hid it through people pleasing. I figured if I kept the focus off what you couldn’t see then no one would know I was weak.

Clearly this was an unhealthy solution. Clearly.

But today. Today I celebrate because I made it through the dark season. I had a few episodes of anxiety and a few bad days but no depression.


Today I celebrate a few minutes of extra sunlight that I didn’t have yesterday.



7 thoughts on “underneath a killer wardrobe

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  1. I suffer from depression year round… But when winter hits, holy shit! Every single winter has been very difficult for me. If I look back at the timeline of my worst days (eating disorder relapse, excessive drinking, suicidal idealization, etc)… It’s winter time. I have come to accept this, but I worry that by accepting it, I just welcome it into my life. “Well, it’s November, here it comes, hold on!” And so I just try to stay above water from November through March, I don’t take on much. I cry a lot. I see my therapist for extra sessions. I also feed my depression by staying in bed, isolating myself from everyone except my dog. I skip meals or purge away the ones I actually eat. SADD fucking sucks. I have hope that there will be one winter that I can get through without using harmful behaviors.


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