Right now, in this moment, I don’t feel awesome. I want to toss up my hands and go on a rampage. No real good reason, this is how it starts.
The furnace isn’t working properly AND the dog chewed on one of the kids’ toys and puked. Those two things happening nearly simultaneously has caused my shoulders to rise and my jaw to clench. Also, I cleaned the dryer lint catcher thingy and it was full which made me notice how filthy the top of the dryer was which caused me conclude that WE LIVE IN SQUALER. And! At any moment now the people from Hoarders are going to show up on my door step with a camera crew.
Any. Moment. Now.
Maybe I should put on a pot of coffee for them? They probably drink coffee.
Catastrophizing is legit. I learned about it while in group therapy. And I was all
I learned a lot of things in group therapy. Like, I’m not the only one feels or reacts in certain ways. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone. Because being inside your own head is a lonely place.
Catastrophizing is something my brain can do really well. I can go from 0 to 60 in less than a second. I try not to verbalize it which just lets it build up inside. Side note – not a healthy practice.
Like the dryer lint. Simple mundane task yet it catapulted me into catastrophizing the current state of my ENTIRE home and practically EVERY other thing in my life.
Its dryer lint.
My house is fine. Yes, there is dust and crumbs on the floor. Dishes in the sink and I’m sure a toilet probably needs cleaned.
But, when I’m on edge and things start stacking up everything feels more significant than it is.
I’ve taken some deep breaths and I’ve started tracking back in my brain to find the root cause. Because we all know, it sure as shit aint the damn dryer lint.
It’s all driven by anxiety.
Root cause identified! And it’s like a siren going off!
I had been anticipating seeing people I haven’t seen in 6 months and I was unsure how I would be welcomed. I worried and worried, because even though I give off this really awesome self-confidence vibe, I AM NOT. Then the event occurred and it was great!
But, my anxiety was all like “Oh, hell no! There is no way it was great a time! We need to over analyze your so called ‘great time’!”
So afterward, I ruminated for days. DAYS, I say. DAYS. About each interaction I had and replaying the conversations to be sure I really did enjoy myself and to be sure nothing I said could have been taken out of context, and on and on and on…for days. Then the furnace stopped working and the dog vomited and the dryer lint need emptied.
And THAT is the exact reason Hoarders is knocking on my door. Mystery solved.
I try to practice mindfulness. I try. It’s often successful. Its breaks the cycle. Keeps me from getting in too deep. Getting to a good place can be easy sometimes, taking ten minutes or so to refocus. And other times it can take days. Letting it take as long as it needs is acceptance.