Too Much of It.

Self-Awareness is a beautiful thing. It allows you to make good decisions, be humble, practice mindfulness…

It can also hurt. Too much self-awareness can bring on considerable anxiety. Like a big oak tree with roots that latch deep into the earth, my anxiety is rooted in many things and the primary one is an overabundance of self-awareness.

I am aware of the space I consume. I am aware of each thought I have, each word that slips from my lips, my body language…all of it. I am aware of it and I constantly question it. I am also aware of the sheer volume of M&Ms I can consume during one hour of television watching.

It’s a lot.

I have a fear of being judged.

I think we all do. Most will say they don’t care about what people think about them or say about them but deep down, they give at least one shit. I’ve never kept a diary for fear of my words being seen and subsequently judged. Yet I find myself having something to say and wanting to say it. I’ve worked hard for a while to accept all the parts that make me….me.

Peculiar things happen when you find acceptance. Regardless of what it is. There is a sense of peace that wraps around your shoulders and the world feels a little lighter.

Anticipating what may never happen. The majority of my anxiety comes from anticipating what may never happen. I try to keep it in check with mindfulness. I try.

All things take time. Being in a constant state of anxiety was learned, it took time. I taught my brain to do that instinctively through repetition and rumination. Learning mindfulness took time and I’m still learning. Some days I own that shit and others…ehhhhhh not so much.

Denial. Acceptance starts with denial. Which sounds weird but it’s true. If you’re denying it then you’re acknowledging it. And if you’re acknowledging it then there is hope that with enough hard work you can accept it.

Once I accepted I had a mental health crisis on my hands I wanted an immediate solution. Because that is who I am. If I make up my mind then watch out because I. HAVE. MADE. UP. MY. MIND.

But that’s not how it works. It is not immediate. There is no predetermined date in which you will rise victorious. It takes time, sustainability takes time. And you have to be ready to roll up those sleeves and really commit to the task at hand.

My sleeves are still rolled. I’m leveraging my self-awareness to grow my healthy mind. Most days I win the battle and I rise victorious. I celebrate those days.

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