I think of him every day. When I look in the mirror in the morning I think of him… because I look like him. His hair, his nose and his chin. I think of him when nature is looking exceptionally beautiful. He loved nature. I feel like he’s part of the nature that surrounds me. When I admire the beauty of a tree blooming from its winter sleep, I am with him.
About my dad. I mentioned he was gone (here). And in less than 2 months it will have been 5 years since he’s passed. Some days it feels like it’s been only a year or so. It doesn’t feel like yesterday anymore. That must be the “gets easier over time” part.
This time of year is so hard for me. Year after year, beginning in January, I would relive his end of days as the days ticked by with anxiety mounting, landing on April 6th. This year has been different. I have recalled hospital stays as per usual. But I’m recalling them differently. I’m not seeing him in a hospital bed slowing fading away. I’m recalling our conversations; those with words and those with our eyes. He and I often talked with our eyes. He knew my insides by looking into my eyes. He knew when I was hurting.
I’m recalling his sense of humor even in times of suffering and I’m recalling his way with words. I’m recalling the Super Man pajama pants I bought him to wear in the hospital because he was too cool for hospital issued jammies.
I think he misses us and much as we miss him. I think he wants to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to him.
The night before he passed, he wasn’t able to get up from the chair to get to bed. My mom, his brother and I tried to heave him up, even though he wasn’t a big man, we were having trouble. Half way up then back down again, I was kneeling at his side. He looked at me and we talked with our eyes. He looked so sad and so tired. And I said it. I said “you don’t have to do this anymore”. He offered a slow blink and said “ok”. He was gone the next day. I used to wish I had said something more prolific. Or just said I love you. But now when I reflect on it I think I did both. I said I love you with my eyes and he said it back. And maybe telling him he could go put him at ease.
Time doesn’t heal, it alters.