My anxiety grew into a behemoth. Rendering me silent. Swelling like a tidal wave. Dropping off. Then swelling again. It’s electric. Intense alertness. I can feel it. In my chest, in my body. I’ve never been able to describe it well, it’s like a fuzzy feeling. It’s adrenaline. Misused adrenaline. Spent energy. Wasted energy. Then exhaustion. My body just shuts down.
I started each day this week with optimism. Being kind to myself regarding my fatigue, not expecting too much from myself, rather just enough.
As each of the days progressed something would trigger the beast. And the cycle kept spinning. And once it is turned on, I am tuned in…to everything. Things I can typically overlook become boulders in my path. I am agitated by inconsequential circumstances, trivial tasks, and even my appearance.
A flick of the wrist and my ten ton cloak shakes out, billows up then falls to rest upon my shoulders. I pull the hood up. I shrink into the landscape.
I did some writing yesterday. The personal kind. The pen and paper kind. I reflected. And I realized that I have been falling into old habits as of late. People pleasing. The foundation of my anxiety fortress. Looking too far into the future, not staying present in the moment and spending too much time ruminating. It’s a rabbit hole. And I have one foot in it.
Awareness. That is where the magic is at. Admitting to yourself, being aware of what you are doing to contribute and adjusting the sails. Constantly adjusting the sails.
Yesterday evening became a necessary self-care evening. Hair, brows and a massage. Relaxing. A margarita with dinner. More relaxing. And great, honest conversation and verbal reflection with my husband. Relief. He knows my vulnerabilities. He knows my playbook. He is the greatest of listeners and an excellent coach. A couple of shows and into bed without my brain running laps.
Today is a new day. Just like any other. I’m going to start it off right. Like I have been. I am going to be really focusing on mindfulness this weekend. Reflecting. I am making self-care a priority. I am going to starve the beast as best I can.