the apex of anxiety

My anxiety grew into a behemoth. Rendering me silent. Swelling like a tidal wave. Dropping off. Then swelling again. It’s electric. Intense alertness. I can feel it. In my chest, in my body. I’ve never been able to describe it well, it’s like a fuzzy feeling. It’s adrenaline. Misused adrenaline. Spent energy. Wasted energy. Then exhaustion. My body just shuts down.

Rest.

Recovery.

Repeat.

I started each day this week with optimism. Being kind to myself regarding my fatigue, not expecting too much from myself, rather just enough.

As each of the days progressed something would trigger the beast. And the cycle kept spinning. And once it is turned on, I am tuned in…to everything. Things I can typically overlook become boulders in my path. I am agitated by inconsequential circumstances, trivial tasks, and even my appearance.

A flick of the wrist and my ten ton cloak shakes out, billows up then falls to rest upon my shoulders. I pull the hood up. I shrink into the landscape.

Everyday.

I did some writing yesterday. The personal kind. The pen and paper kind. I reflected. And I realized that I have been falling into old habits as of late. People pleasing. The foundation of my anxiety fortress. Looking too far into the future, not staying present in the moment and spending too much time ruminating. It’s a rabbit hole. And I have one foot in it.

Awareness. That is where the magic is at.  Admitting to yourself, being aware of what you are doing to contribute and adjusting the sails. Constantly adjusting the sails.

Yesterday evening became a necessary self-care evening. Hair, brows and a massage. Relaxing. A margarita with dinner. More relaxing. And great, honest conversation and verbal reflection with my husband. Relief. He knows my vulnerabilities. He knows my playbook. He is the greatest of listeners and an excellent coach. A couple of shows and into bed without my brain running laps.

Today is a new day. Just like any other. I’m going to start it off right. Like I have been. I am going to be really focusing on mindfulness this weekend. Reflecting. I am making self-care a priority. I am going to starve the beast as best I can.

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4 thoughts on “the apex of anxiety

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  1. Sommer you are so wise. Thank you for sharing – I agree, it is my experience that “awareness is key”. Great Emerson quote.
    If you’re ever called, I’d love for you to share your story on forgiveness. You can visit my blog – there’s a featured post on the bottom of the main page called a loving invitation… or just email me at weloveyou@forgivingconnects.com (only if you want to)
    Loving,
    Debbie

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sounds like a lovely evening. I need one of those myself. Best of luck with your mindfulness. I am working on that myself, although it would help if I could stay mindful of my desire to be mindful. I keep forgetting. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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