we all need a break

I’m well. I’m better. I have not been inclined to write. For whatever reason. I have yet to analyze that. I’m sure I will later. Don’t you worry about that.

Strangest thing though. I was ready to call The Doc. The gloominess was lasting way longer than I was comfortable with. I gave myself a hall pass to cry ugly tears whenever I felt the need. I spoke about my sadness. Admitted it. Easily. But still. It was lingering. I was dragging ass. Not wanting to take on the day. Sleeping a lot. You know, the usual.

I was going to call. After all, I do know me best. I didn’t do all that work for nothing. I wasn’t going to sink. I wasn’t going to give up on myself. She’s my best friend.

I had dental work done. And now you’re asking what the hell does THIS have anything to do with THAT.  Oh, I’ll tell you what.

The dental work. It was something I was putting off while we ventured through the web of IVF. My root canal sent a wicked infection into my sinus. Wicked. The swelling. The swelling was epic. It was like my face was trying to win first place in a swelling contest. Because my nose isn’t big enough. The pain. It was top notch. I have never been hit in the face with a 2×4 but I am pretty sure I now know EXACTLY what it feels like. I’m sure of it. And I have a high tolerance for pain. I’m a ‘push through’ kinda’ gal. But damn…the pain was LEGIT. Like MC Hammer Legit. I cycled through two antibiotics before the swelling receded. Chewed up a bottle of Percocet. I was down for the count for well over ten days. Kicked. My. Ass.

The infection cleared up. Which I was sure it would NEVER. And I was chugging along. Happy to be back in the saddle and smacking the dust off my chaps. After about a week I realized that the heavy cloud of loss was much higher in the sky. Much higher. And I thought “ain’t that some shit”. I didn’t even notice it was rising.

I guess I needed a break. I would have personally chosen a break in a different form. Perhaps a delightfully sunny beach vacation? Perhaps. I guess sometimes we get what we need and it’s not always how we want. Things we may not choose. Even though I was in so much pain from the infection I rested. I had no choice. But all the same, I needed the rest. And I needed the distraction. I was so focused on the pain and clearing up the infection that it trumped my heartache. It gave me a break. That stupid inconvenient infection was my Ace.

It’s not that I avoided my sadness. Or diverted my energies from it. Sometimes we dig a hole so deep we can’t get out. We wait too long to call The Doc. We avoid talking about it. Then we can’t reach the rope. We can’t pull ourselves out.

I felt the soil slipping. I was ready to call. Then I got a break. That infection gave me a rope. That break laid some bedrock. Kept me from sinking. Gave me enough interruption from the sadness and “what if’s” to keep me on this side.

Yesterday. February 8th was 3 months since we found out the last chance didn’t work. I sat at Taekwondo watching my son. A new baby and her mom sat next to me. It hurt a bit. Deep in that space in your heart that aches into your throat. But I smiled at that pretty little face and I was happy for that mom.

I’m well. I’m better.




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