Seven years. Long time. But not. It’s been seven years since my dad died. I won’t run through the details. But they are here if you’re interested or curious.
I look back over the year and see all that he missed. The big things. Graduating college and IVF. The little things. Like over 365 cups of coffee not shared.
I have been having a tough time lately. I have gotten away from self-care. I have gotten lost inside my head. I feel like I am wandering through each day rather that snatching it up and drinking in every moment. It could be a number of things getting in my way. It could be the season. It could be me getting in my own way. My subconscious building a wall. Brick by brick. Keeping me inside.
I haven’t cried today. I woke up. Made a cup of coffee. Felt the urge to find pictures of him. Pictures of him healthy. Smiling. He had a great smile. The kind that goes to your eyes. He was full of life. So much life. So big.
Some days I feel like I’m waiting for him to come back. Waiting. Then I realize that’s not how it works. That makes me sad. This is it. This is all I got. And I should be grateful for it. I have a lot. I need to remind myself of that every day. It is so easy to get overwhelmed by all that we have lost and gloss over all that still remains. All that is to come
I am going to do my best to smile a lot today. To hug a lot. To laugh a lot. Breathe in fresh air. Take in the sights and sounds around. Tell people I love them. Make other people smile. Make them laugh. I am going to walk around today with a smile that meets my eyes. I am going to be full of life, enough for me and him.