unnecessary anxiety and the solution

I have anxiety. I believe we have established that. I’m not cool with it by any means but I am learning to let it be and acknowledge it. Pretending it isn’t there is toxic. Ignoring the racing thoughts and the heaviness is my chest is unhealthy and prolongs the episode. There are categories to my anxiety; legitimate panic because of shitty life things, unknown panic that comes out of nowhere, panic induced by false thoughts and then unnecessary panic that can be solved by completing a task weighing on my mind.

My house was causing me unnecessary anxiety. Unnecessary panic. As we approach the end of summer with sports starting up and back to school for the kids and myself I had to find a solution.

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A bike. A smile. And some happiness.

I bought a bike. With a basket. It’s periwinkle with muted lime rims. She is an old timey easy rider. Wide set handle bars. A white spring seat. Whitewall tires underneath glossy white fenders.

I’ve been wanting a bike for a few years now but I kept finding an excuse not to follow through. My daughter has a bike and I taught her how to ride it. My son has one and has been struggling without the training wheels. I didn’t put the pressure on because of his condition. I figured he would get it eventually. My husband has a bike that I’ve never seen him ride. Now that you know our bike inventory you are probably wondering where I am going with this. Honestly, I have no idea. This is how writing works with me. Enjoying the ride?

Continue reading “A bike. A smile. And some happiness.”

Parenting: when you know you’re doing it right.

I’m kidding. I have no idea if I’m doing it right. We are all just winging it, right? We are an amalgamation of influences; our own parents, our friends’, social, educational, environmental. We just sandwich all that shit together and hope for the best.

Part anxiety, part regular ol’ parenting; each night I rehash all of my parental instructions of the day. I question all of it. Did I give enough context? Did I give an example, was my tone too harsh? Did I come across bat-shit crazy?

Continue reading “Parenting: when you know you’re doing it right.”

Feeling the Stigma

Published words have been elusive as of late. I’m not entirely sure why but I have an inkling. I’m feeling good. Not great but good. I’m feeling vulnerable and a little less confident. I’m feeling the weight of the mental health stigma and I’m shying away from putting pen to paper, err rather… fingers to keys. I’ve scribbled many starts in my countless notebooks.

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how to stop negative thinking

Negative self-talk. It’s a killer. I know I’ve been struggling lately. It happens when I put my focus on what I’m NOT doing or achieving. The change in diet has been emotional. And I am feeling like I’m constantly failing. That’s because I’m not attaining perfect execution day in and day out. I put a lot of pressure on myself to reach perfection in my endeavors. And I always fall short. And I’m always hard on myself. But I am working on it.
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ducks in a row

My mind has been calm. This is a beautiful thing. But also begs me to question why. Are the ducks in a row, the stars aligned? It is genuine and everlasting? It is providing a false sense of security? It is because I’m just having a bout of goodness or it is because I’ve changed my diet? Is it because the sun is out and the days are longer leading me to believe there really is more time in the day? Continue reading “ducks in a row”

Sixty Seconds Worth of Distance Run

Have you ever read the poem IF by Kipling? You should. It is powerful. My brother shared it with me during a difficult time many years ago and I have read it countless times. A copy hangs on my fridge and at my desk at work. It’s malleable; applying to a myriad of challenges. It is motivational. And positive.

If you can fill the unforgiving minute,  With sixty seconds worth of distance run. 

That is how I’ve felt as of late. I’ve been filling a lot of unforgiving minutes. I’ve not made time to write because life seems busier for some reason. And I’m making a lot of adjustments. My routine is being redesigned and I’ve not found the space where writing fits in.

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I am the victor.

The light may have dimmed but it was never snuffed out. Today is my birthday. My Happy New Year. As I reflect on 35 years this morning, in a house quiet and lit by the sunrise, I can only be grateful that the light stayed within me. Buried deep at times, but never snuffed. I was always hopeful. I always had faith in myself. I had hope. I knew one day it would come together. I feel like it has. I never gave up. I never let it win. I have fought hard for my happiness. Sparing with the darkness, the sadness. A joust, that at times, felt never ending. But I’ve won. I am the victor.

Give yourself a chance. Have faith in your ability to machete through the thick brush of sadness. Fight for yourself, fight for your light. Protect it. Nurture it. Love it. It will grow. And that light will cast a shadow onto the sadness. It will outshine your past. Be your victor.

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