too little time with a little bit of hope

Meandering around. Doing chores. Listening to Pandora. The Dead Sea by The Lumineers comes on.

Yes, there are times we live for somebody else
Your father died and you decided to live
It for yourself you felt, you just felt it was time
And I’m glad, cause you with cats, that’s just not right

I go from singing to crying. Just like that. Grief. It’s such a ride.

Early this morning I stood in front of the sink drinking my coffee. Looking at my dad’s jar on the window sill. It’s a beautiful old mason jar. Blue glass. His favorite. Inside are some of his ashes. I put him on the sill when we moved here two and a half years ago. It’s the best view. You can see the tress. He loved trees. Continue reading “too little time with a little bit of hope”


we all need a break

I’m well. I’m better. I have not been inclined to write. For whatever reason. I have yet to analyze that. I’m sure I will later. Don’t you worry about that.

Strangest thing though. I was ready to call The Doc. The gloominess was lasting way longer than I was comfortable with. I gave myself a hall pass to cry ugly tears whenever I felt the need. I spoke about my sadness. Admitted it. Easily. But still. It was lingering. I was dragging ass. Not wanting to take on the day. Sleeping a lot. You know, the usual.

Continue reading “we all need a break”


There is a swarm of bees in there! Don’t open the door! If one gets out, you will be chasing it for days!

My past is a swarm of bees. Every single bad decision I have ever made. Every bad thing that has happened to me. Every single thing I wish I would have done differently. The swarm is buzzing full speed. Circling the space, looking for an exit. Waiting and waiting, buzzing and buzzing. Just building energy waiting to unleash. One slip up, one bad day, one bad moment and the next thing you know I keep opening the damn door. And an angry bee or two dashes out. Then I am chasing it, analyzing it, wondering where it’s going next and how do I get it back in that damn room? How can I get it back in there without opening the door? If I open it, I risk more bees slipping out. So I chase it. Should I just kill the bee? But I can’t kill it. I need it.

Continue reading “bees”


It is all about perspective.

How are you looking at the world and do you think it owes you something? It doesn’t. The only person to bring you peace is yourself. And how you look at the world determines how much peace you will have. Do you have to do things or do you get to do things.

I try to remind myself that I get to do things. Getting to do things gives me a different perspective. Alleviates some anxieties.

Continue reading “perspective”

When you don’t make time for hobbies

I love to sew. I love that I can take nothing and turn it in to something. It’s not the kind of hobby that produces results immediately. Most projects take time. Especially if a new skill is being exercised. I also don’t have a dedicated sewing space. I’m less inclined to pull everything out just to put it all away an hour later.

I also have another hobby; clothes. It would be great if I could just combine the two. But clothes take time and I still have not figured out how to attach sleeves.

Continue reading “When you don’t make time for hobbies”

Feeling the Stigma

Published words have been elusive as of late. I’m not entirely sure why but I have an inkling. I’m feeling good. Not great but good. I’m feeling vulnerable and a little less confident. I’m feeling the weight of the mental health stigma and I’m shying away from putting pen to paper, err rather… fingers to keys. I’ve scribbled many starts in my countless notebooks.

Continue reading “Feeling the Stigma”

how to stop negative thinking

Negative self-talk. It’s a killer. I know I’ve been struggling lately. It happens when I put my focus on what I’m NOT doing or achieving. The change in diet has been emotional. And I am feeling like I’m constantly failing. That’s because I’m not attaining perfect execution day in and day out. I put a lot of pressure on myself to reach perfection in my endeavors. And I always fall short. And I’m always hard on myself. But I am working on it.
Continue reading “how to stop negative thinking”

ducks in a row

My mind has been calm. This is a beautiful thing. But also begs me to question why. Are the ducks in a row, the stars aligned? It is genuine and everlasting? It is providing a false sense of security? It is because I’m just having a bout of goodness or it is because I’ve changed my diet? Is it because the sun is out and the days are longer leading me to believe there really is more time in the day? Continue reading “ducks in a row”

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