An IVF Journey…

A 327 day journey ended in 49 seconds. I could see his face in my daydreams. Chubby cheeks and jet black hair. I imagined his weight, I could feel him. Nursing him. His smell. Bathing him. He existed. In our hearts and in a Petri dish. Two of them. Boys.

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bees

There is a swarm of bees in there! Don’t open the door! If one gets out, you will be chasing it for days!

My past is a swarm of bees. Every single bad decision I have ever made. Every bad thing that has happened to me. Every single thing I wish I would have done differently. The swarm is buzzing full speed. Circling the space, looking for an exit. Waiting and waiting, buzzing and buzzing. Just building energy waiting to unleash. One slip up, one bad day, one bad moment and the next thing you know I keep opening the damn door. And an angry bee or two dashes out. Then I am chasing it, analyzing it, wondering where it’s going next and how do I get it back in that damn room? How can I get it back in there without opening the door? If I open it, I risk more bees slipping out. So I chase it. Should I just kill the bee? But I can’t kill it. I need it.

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perspective

It is all about perspective.

How are you looking at the world and do you think it owes you something? It doesn’t. The only person to bring you peace is yourself. And how you look at the world determines how much peace you will have. Do you have to do things or do you get to do things.

I try to remind myself that I get to do things. Getting to do things gives me a different perspective. Alleviates some anxieties.

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When you don’t make time for hobbies

I love to sew. I love that I can take nothing and turn it in to something. It’s not the kind of hobby that produces results immediately. Most projects take time. Especially if a new skill is being exercised. I also don’t have a dedicated sewing space. I’m less inclined to pull everything out just to put it all away an hour later.

I also have another hobby; clothes. It would be great if I could just combine the two. But clothes take time and I still have not figured out how to attach sleeves.

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Feeling the Stigma

Published words have been elusive as of late. I’m not entirely sure why but I have an inkling. I’m feeling good. Not great but good. I’m feeling vulnerable and a little less confident. I’m feeling the weight of the mental health stigma and I’m shying away from putting pen to paper, err rather… fingers to keys. I’ve scribbled many starts in my countless notebooks.

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how to stop negative thinking

Negative self-talk. It’s a killer. I know I’ve been struggling lately. It happens when I put my focus on what I’m NOT doing or achieving. The change in diet has been emotional. And I am feeling like I’m constantly failing. That’s because I’m not attaining perfect execution day in and day out. I put a lot of pressure on myself to reach perfection in my endeavors. And I always fall short. And I’m always hard on myself. But I am working on it.
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ducks in a row

My mind has been calm. This is a beautiful thing. But also begs me to question why. Are the ducks in a row, the stars aligned? It is genuine and everlasting? It is providing a false sense of security? It is because I’m just having a bout of goodness or it is because I’ve changed my diet? Is it because the sun is out and the days are longer leading me to believe there really is more time in the day? Continue reading “ducks in a row”

I am the victor.

The light may have dimmed but it was never snuffed out. Today is my birthday. My Happy New Year. As I reflect on 35 years this morning, in a house quiet and lit by the sunrise, I can only be grateful that the light stayed within me. Buried deep at times, but never snuffed. I was always hopeful. I always had faith in myself. I had hope. I knew one day it would come together. I feel like it has. I never gave up. I never let it win. I have fought hard for my happiness. Sparing with the darkness, the sadness. A joust, that at times, felt never ending. But I’ve won. I am the victor.

Give yourself a chance. Have faith in your ability to machete through the thick brush of sadness. Fight for yourself, fight for your light. Protect it. Nurture it. Love it. It will grow. And that light will cast a shadow onto the sadness. It will outshine your past. Be your victor.

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