Seven Years Gone

Seven years. Long time. But not. It’s been seven years since my dad died. I won’t run through the details. But they are here if you’re interested or curious.

I look back over the year and see all that he missed. The big things. Graduating college and IVF. The little things. Like over 365 cups of coffee not shared. Continue reading “Seven Years Gone”

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we all need a break

I’m well. I’m better. I have not been inclined to write. For whatever reason. I have yet to analyze that. I’m sure I will later. Don’t you worry about that.

Strangest thing though. I was ready to call The Doc. The gloominess was lasting way longer than I was comfortable with. I gave myself a hall pass to cry ugly tears whenever I felt the need. I spoke about my sadness. Admitted it. Easily. But still. It was lingering. I was dragging ass. Not wanting to take on the day. Sleeping a lot. You know, the usual.

Continue reading “we all need a break”

She who eats alone is a badass.

I took myself to breakfast. I happened upon the idea while in the shower this morning. There is this great little local eatery around the corner. I love their sausage gravy. It has heat, the kind that makes you feel alive. Like you are truly eating. I filet the warm biscuits, carefully place my scrambled egg upon it, and smother it with sausage gravy. It’s delicious. Apparently I was hungry.

Continue reading “She who eats alone is a badass.”

you can redirect your thoughts

“Stop whatcha doin’, cause I’m about to ruin the image and the style that ya used to...”

Just kidding. But seriously, every time I think “stop whatcha doin” I seem to channel Digital Underground. Matter of fact, there are an unreasonable amount of words that trigger my brain to trail off into a lyrical departure from reality. I like that part of me.

You know what else I like? My ability to redirect. Not redirect in the way we do to avoid tough conversations, or guilt, or grief. But the redirect that gets your mind back into the moment. Step it away from the cliff overlooking that deep dark vast landscape that is our past. I am mostly successful. But only because of practice.

Continue reading “you can redirect your thoughts”

Let’s all just exhale…

The semester has come to a close. I managed to pull off straight A’s. I have no idea how that happened. But it happened. I checked twice. I’m tired though, I know that. I did pat myself on the back because damn…..this semester was hard!

The Holiday is upon us. What a year this has been. A year of self-acceptance. A year of “give zero shits”. A year of laying it all out there. A year of personal growth. A year of wellness. And next year? Well, it’s going to be even better…

Continue reading “Let’s all just exhale…”

bees

There is a swarm of bees in there! Don’t open the door! If one gets out, you will be chasing it for days!

My past is a swarm of bees. Every single bad decision I have ever made. Every bad thing that has happened to me. Every single thing I wish I would have done differently. The swarm is buzzing full speed. Circling the space, looking for an exit. Waiting and waiting, buzzing and buzzing. Just building energy waiting to unleash. One slip up, one bad day, one bad moment and the next thing you know I keep opening the damn door. And an angry bee or two dashes out. Then I am chasing it, analyzing it, wondering where it’s going next and how do I get it back in that damn room? How can I get it back in there without opening the door? If I open it, I risk more bees slipping out. So I chase it. Should I just kill the bee? But I can’t kill it. I need it.

Continue reading “bees”

the apex of anxiety

My anxiety grew into a behemoth. Rendering me silent. Swelling like a tidal wave. Dropping off. Then swelling again. It’s electric. Intense alertness. I can feel it. In my chest, in my body. I’ve never been able to describe it well, it’s like a fuzzy feeling. It’s adrenaline. Misused adrenaline. Spent energy. Wasted energy. Then exhaustion. My body just shuts down.

Rest.

Recovery.

Repeat.

Continue reading “the apex of anxiety”

perspective

It is all about perspective.

How are you looking at the world and do you think it owes you something? It doesn’t. The only person to bring you peace is yourself. And how you look at the world determines how much peace you will have. Do you have to do things or do you get to do things.

I try to remind myself that I get to do things. Getting to do things gives me a different perspective. Alleviates some anxieties.

Continue reading “perspective”

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