Make a decision. And do it.

I made our wedding album today. My goal was to make it before our August Anniversary. Our 3rd Anniversary. I uploaded over 900 photos. Which, in itself, was an exercise of patience. It took nearly an entire day.

This morning I decided to just start it, make a few pages. A few pages turned into 34 pages. I was feeling creative, feeling joy reliving the memories. As I finished chunks I would want to share my excitement, I’d call over my husband and kids to look at my progress. Then I finished! I was literally doing a jig around the living and dining room.

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bees

There is a swarm of bees in there! Don’t open the door! If one gets out, you will be chasing it for days!

My past is a swarm of bees. Every single bad decision I have ever made. Every bad thing that has happened to me. Every single thing I wish I would have done differently. The swarm is buzzing full speed. Circling the space, looking for an exit. Waiting and waiting, buzzing and buzzing. Just building energy waiting to unleash. One slip up, one bad day, one bad moment and the next thing you know I keep opening the damn door. And an angry bee or two dashes out. Then I am chasing it, analyzing it, wondering where it’s going next and how do I get it back in that damn room? How can I get it back in there without opening the door? If I open it, I risk more bees slipping out. So I chase it. Should I just kill the bee? But I can’t kill it. I need it.

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the apex of anxiety

My anxiety grew into a behemoth. Rendering me silent. Swelling like a tidal wave. Dropping off. Then swelling again. It’s electric. Intense alertness. I can feel it. In my chest, in my body. I’ve never been able to describe it well, it’s like a fuzzy feeling. It’s adrenaline. Misused adrenaline. Spent energy. Wasted energy. Then exhaustion. My body just shuts down.

Rest.

Recovery.

Repeat.

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perspective

It is all about perspective.

How are you looking at the world and do you think it owes you something? It doesn’t. The only person to bring you peace is yourself. And how you look at the world determines how much peace you will have. Do you have to do things or do you get to do things.

I try to remind myself that I get to do things. Getting to do things gives me a different perspective. Alleviates some anxieties.

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A bike. A smile. And some happiness.

I bought a bike. With a basket. It’s periwinkle with muted lime rims. She is an old timey easy rider. Wide set handle bars. A white spring seat. Whitewall tires underneath glossy white fenders.

I’ve been wanting a bike for a few years now but I kept finding an excuse not to follow through. My daughter has a bike and I taught her how to ride it. My son has one and has been struggling without the training wheels. I didn’t put the pressure on because of his condition. I figured he would get it eventually. My husband has a bike that I’ve never seen him ride. Now that you know our bike inventory you are probably wondering where I am going with this. Honestly, I have no idea. This is how writing works with me. Enjoying the ride?

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When you don’t make time for hobbies

I love to sew. I love that I can take nothing and turn it in to something. It’s not the kind of hobby that produces results immediately. Most projects take time. Especially if a new skill is being exercised. I also don’t have a dedicated sewing space. I’m less inclined to pull everything out just to put it all away an hour later.

I also have another hobby; clothes. It would be great if I could just combine the two. But clothes take time and I still have not figured out how to attach sleeves.

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The Day Manners Died

Manners seem to be dead. A whisper of a simpler time. When people still made eye contact with one another, head nods, handshakes, and easy waves. Everyone is too busy. Always occupied. Unaware of their surroundings.

On Tuesday I was about a foot behind a woman who was picking up her kid(s) from the same summer camp as I was picking up mine.

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