Seven Years Gone

Seven years. Long time. But not. It’s been seven years since my dad died. I won’t run through the details. But they are here if you’re interested or curious.

I look back over the year and see all that he missed. The big things. Graduating college and IVF. The little things. Like over 365 cups of coffee not shared. Continue reading “Seven Years Gone”

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too little time with a little bit of hope

Meandering around. Doing chores. Listening to Pandora. The Dead Sea by The Lumineers comes on.

Yes, there are times we live for somebody else
Your father died and you decided to live
It for yourself you felt, you just felt it was time
And I’m glad, cause you with cats, that’s just not right

I go from singing to crying. Just like that. Grief. It’s such a ride.

Early this morning I stood in front of the sink drinking my coffee. Looking at my dad’s jar on the window sill. It’s a beautiful old mason jar. Blue glass. His favorite. Inside are some of his ashes. I put him on the sill when we moved here two and a half years ago. It’s the best view. You can see the tress. He loved trees. Continue reading “too little time with a little bit of hope”

She who eats alone is a badass.

I took myself to breakfast. I happened upon the idea while in the shower this morning. There is this great little local eatery around the corner. I love their sausage gravy. It has heat, the kind that makes you feel alive. Like you are truly eating. I filet the warm biscuits, carefully place my scrambled egg upon it, and smother it with sausage gravy. It’s delicious. Apparently I was hungry.

Continue reading “She who eats alone is a badass.”

Let’s all just exhale…

The semester has come to a close. I managed to pull off straight A’s. I have no idea how that happened. But it happened. I checked twice. I’m tired though, I know that. I did pat myself on the back because damn…..this semester was hard!

The Holiday is upon us. What a year this has been. A year of self-acceptance. A year of “give zero shits”. A year of laying it all out there. A year of personal growth. A year of wellness. And next year? Well, it’s going to be even better…

Continue reading “Let’s all just exhale…”

bees

There is a swarm of bees in there! Don’t open the door! If one gets out, you will be chasing it for days!

My past is a swarm of bees. Every single bad decision I have ever made. Every bad thing that has happened to me. Every single thing I wish I would have done differently. The swarm is buzzing full speed. Circling the space, looking for an exit. Waiting and waiting, buzzing and buzzing. Just building energy waiting to unleash. One slip up, one bad day, one bad moment and the next thing you know I keep opening the damn door. And an angry bee or two dashes out. Then I am chasing it, analyzing it, wondering where it’s going next and how do I get it back in that damn room? How can I get it back in there without opening the door? If I open it, I risk more bees slipping out. So I chase it. Should I just kill the bee? But I can’t kill it. I need it.

Continue reading “bees”

the apex of anxiety

My anxiety grew into a behemoth. Rendering me silent. Swelling like a tidal wave. Dropping off. Then swelling again. It’s electric. Intense alertness. I can feel it. In my chest, in my body. I’ve never been able to describe it well, it’s like a fuzzy feeling. It’s adrenaline. Misused adrenaline. Spent energy. Wasted energy. Then exhaustion. My body just shuts down.

Rest.

Recovery.

Repeat.

Continue reading “the apex of anxiety”

The Day Manners Died

Manners seem to be dead. A whisper of a simpler time. When people still made eye contact with one another, head nods, handshakes, and easy waves. Everyone is too busy. Always occupied. Unaware of their surroundings.

On Tuesday I was about a foot behind a woman who was picking up her kid(s) from the same summer camp as I was picking up mine.

Continue reading “The Day Manners Died”

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