bees

There is a swarm of bees in there! Don’t open the door! If one gets out, you will be chasing it for days!

My past is a swarm of bees. Every single bad decision I have ever made. Every bad thing that has happened to me. Every single thing I wish I would have done differently. The swarm is buzzing full speed. Circling the space, looking for an exit. Waiting and waiting, buzzing and buzzing. Just building energy waiting to unleash. One slip up, one bad day, one bad moment and the next thing you know I keep opening the damn door. And an angry bee or two dashes out. Then I am chasing it, analyzing it, wondering where it’s going next and how do I get it back in that damn room? How can I get it back in there without opening the door? If I open it, I risk more bees slipping out. So I chase it. Should I just kill the bee? But I can’t kill it. I need it.

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the apex of anxiety

My anxiety grew into a behemoth. Rendering me silent. Swelling like a tidal wave. Dropping off. Then swelling again. It’s electric. Intense alertness. I can feel it. In my chest, in my body. I’ve never been able to describe it well, it’s like a fuzzy feeling. It’s adrenaline. Misused adrenaline. Spent energy. Wasted energy. Then exhaustion. My body just shuts down.

Rest.

Recovery.

Repeat.

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The Day Manners Died

Manners seem to be dead. A whisper of a simpler time. When people still made eye contact with one another, head nods, handshakes, and easy waves. Everyone is too busy. Always occupied. Unaware of their surroundings.

On Tuesday I was about a foot behind a woman who was picking up her kid(s) from the same summer camp as I was picking up mine.

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Feeling the Stigma

Published words have been elusive as of late. I’m not entirely sure why but I have an inkling. I’m feeling good. Not great but good. I’m feeling vulnerable and a little less confident. I’m feeling the weight of the mental health stigma and I’m shying away from putting pen to paper, err rather… fingers to keys. I’ve scribbled many starts in my countless notebooks.

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how to stop negative thinking

Negative self-talk. It’s a killer. I know I’ve been struggling lately. It happens when I put my focus on what I’m NOT doing or achieving. The change in diet has been emotional. And I am feeling like I’m constantly failing. That’s because I’m not attaining perfect execution day in and day out. I put a lot of pressure on myself to reach perfection in my endeavors. And I always fall short. And I’m always hard on myself. But I am working on it.
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Love Matters

Just finished a long car ride. Those are the best for reflection.  Scribbling notes. Writing down thoughts. I have many. Many thoughts. They are a little all over the place. Some are reflections of my past. Some are thoughts on the future world my kids will live in. A lot are in the moment as I reflect on the actions of one man taking the lives of so many in Orlando.

A single act affecting so many lives. So many.

I know a lot of people have things to say about it.

I know what the problem is.

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Social Media

I have a love hate relationship with social media.

I love connecting. I love seeing people achieve goals, meet milestones. Share love for others. Find happiness. I love watching babies grow. I love to see people enjoying life. I drink up the inspiration from others. I enjoy the comedic relief of some hilarious people. I appreciate how we can rally support from afar. I love seeing people overcome their struggles.

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ducks in a row

My mind has been calm. This is a beautiful thing. But also begs me to question why. Are the ducks in a row, the stars aligned? It is genuine and everlasting? It is providing a false sense of security? It is because I’m just having a bout of goodness or it is because I’ve changed my diet? Is it because the sun is out and the days are longer leading me to believe there really is more time in the day? Continue reading “ducks in a row”

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