I started in 1999. I was not born to college graduates. I didn’t have anyone to help me figure things out. I tried and failed. Moved out of state. Tried again. And failed again. Moved home. Tried again. I received an Associate’s degree. Online. It was mailed to me. I finished one month before my oldest was born. She will be turning 10 this year.
The semester has come to a close. I managed to pull off straight A’s. I have no idea how that happened. But it happened. I checked twice. I’m tired though, I know that. I did pat myself on the back because damn…..this semester was hard!
The Holiday is upon us. What a year this has been. A year of self-acceptance. A year of “give zero shits”. A year of laying it all out there. A year of personal growth. A year of wellness. And next year? Well, it’s going to be even better…
There is a swarm of bees in there! Don’t open the door! If one gets out, you will be chasing it for days!
My past is a swarm of bees. Every single bad decision I have ever made. Every bad thing that has happened to me. Every single thing I wish I would have done differently. The swarm is buzzing full speed. Circling the space, looking for an exit. Waiting and waiting, buzzing and buzzing. Just building energy waiting to unleash. One slip up, one bad day, one bad moment and the next thing you know I keep opening the damn door. And an angry bee or two dashes out. Then I am chasing it, analyzing it, wondering where it’s going next and how do I get it back in that damn room? How can I get it back in there without opening the door? If I open it, I risk more bees slipping out. So I chase it. Should I just kill the bee? But I can’t kill it. I need it.
My anxiety grew into a behemoth. Rendering me silent. Swelling like a tidal wave. Dropping off. Then swelling again. It’s electric. Intense alertness. I can feel it. In my chest, in my body. I’ve never been able to describe it well, it’s like a fuzzy feeling. It’s adrenaline. Misused adrenaline. Spent energy. Wasted energy. Then exhaustion. My body just shuts down.
It is all about perspective.
How are you looking at the world and do you think it owes you something? It doesn’t. The only person to bring you peace is yourself. And how you look at the world determines how much peace you will have. Do you have to do things or do you get to do things.
I try to remind myself that I get to do things. Getting to do things gives me a different perspective. Alleviates some anxieties.
I have anxiety. I believe we have established that. I’m not cool with it by any means but I am learning to let it be and acknowledge it. Pretending it isn’t there is toxic. Ignoring the racing thoughts and the heaviness is my chest is unhealthy and prolongs the episode. There are categories to my anxiety; legitimate panic because of shitty life things, unknown panic that comes out of nowhere, panic induced by false thoughts and then unnecessary panic that can be solved by completing a task weighing on my mind.
My house was causing me unnecessary anxiety. Unnecessary panic. As we approach the end of summer with sports starting up and back to school for the kids and myself I had to find a solution.
I bought a bike. With a basket. It’s periwinkle with muted lime rims. She is an old timey easy rider. Wide set handle bars. A white spring seat. Whitewall tires underneath glossy white fenders.
I’ve been wanting a bike for a few years now but I kept finding an excuse not to follow through. My daughter has a bike and I taught her how to ride it. My son has one and has been struggling without the training wheels. I didn’t put the pressure on because of his condition. I figured he would get it eventually. My husband has a bike that I’ve never seen him ride. Now that you know our bike inventory you are probably wondering where I am going with this. Honestly, I have no idea. This is how writing works with me. Enjoying the ride?
I love to sew. I love that I can take nothing and turn it in to something. It’s not the kind of hobby that produces results immediately. Most projects take time. Especially if a new skill is being exercised. I also don’t have a dedicated sewing space. I’m less inclined to pull everything out just to put it all away an hour later.
I also have another hobby; clothes. It would be great if I could just combine the two. But clothes take time and I still have not figured out how to attach sleeves.
Negative self-talk. It’s a killer. I know I’ve been struggling lately. It happens when I put my focus on what I’m NOT doing or achieving. The change in diet has been emotional. And I am feeling like I’m constantly failing. That’s because I’m not attaining perfect execution day in and day out. I put a lot of pressure on myself to reach perfection in my endeavors. And I always fall short. And I’m always hard on myself. But I am working on it.
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